Archive for February 2012

So I went to London... MY FAVOURITE CITY OF THEM ALL!

So as the title duly informs you, I went to London. That's not London, Kentucky, but the capital of the UK, London.
It wasn't a long trip, just 3 days and 2 nights was all we stayed for. I say we because I went with my college. Yes it was an educational visit, no I didn't learn much. But it means I've got plenty of tales to tell and numerous high quality (blurry) pictures to showcase, so without further ado, on with the show!


Day 1
So Day 1 wasn't much to cry over.


What did I just say? YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME.

We set off at 7:30am, got to the hotel (Holiday Inn Express Golders Green) at around 2pm and I had about an hour or so to shower off the stale sweat I'd accumulated from the near 7 hour bus journey. There were hot girls on the bus by the way. 

I didn't get any that trip, no.

So after the shower and a rest I plodded around Covent Gardens with a friend for a few hours. If you don't know what Covent Gardens is, it's literally a marketplace with lots of street performers. Which is actually really cool.

That's a bike. On his forehead. Hell yeah.

We had a bite to eat at Caffè Nero, which was absolutely, positively, utterly revoltingly disgusting.

DON'T EAT AT CAFFÈ NERO. EVER. THEY'VE TAKEN ONE TOO MANY F'S AND CAN'T MAKE MEATBALL PANINO FOR TOFFEE.

What's a panino I hear you ask? Good question, let me explain: A panino is actually what you (pah, commoner) call a panini. 
Woah! No stop! WOAH. Before you throw your panini bread at Caffè Nero because you think they're trying to change a much loved word, take a deep breath and read me out. Panini is the PLURAL of panino. Yeah, no word of a lie.
Who's the idiot now, ey?


Anyway, I think I've explained that enough. If you need more clarification, cry to Google; I'm wearing silk and your tears will damage the material.

The final part of the day involved a trip on the London Eye. YES, THE EYE OF LONDON! Which, incidentally looks nothing like an eye.

More like... oh how should I put this. A wheel?

So that was a daytime picture above but we all went on at night, for a night time ride. Obviously. As you would expect, it was fairly uneventful, apart from one thing. Me.

Yes, yes I may have been an idiot. I may have pushed the emergency call button thinking it was an information button. And I may have blamed my idiocy on a 'slip of the elbow'. But it's all just myth and rumour of course, It probably didn't happen. Even though it did.

I mean come on, how was I supposed to know that it was an emergency call button? I didn't read the sign next to it, I'm too lazy to do that. THINK ABOUT IT LONDON. I WANT CLEAR, LARGE, MULTICOLOURED FONT TELLING ME NOT TO PRESS IT UNLESS THERE'S A GENUINE EMERGENCY. Your incompetence led to this kind of conversation going down with the 'Emergency Call Guy' (ECG):

ECG: "Hello, you've pressed the London Eye emergency call button I'll do what I can to help what is the nature of your emergency?"
Me: "Erm, hi. I think that was me (I knew darn well it was me). It was a mistake sorry, there's no emergency.
ECG: "Okay thank you bye."

Words couldn't describe how downtrodden I felt.

And that was it really. I kind of lied at the top, you know, where I said 'So Day 1 wasn't much to cry over.'? It was something to cry over. It was the day I finally came to realise I'm a terrible liar. Whatever made me blame my poor, innocent elbows for such a blatant mistake I'll never know. But I'll tell you what readers, I do know one thing. I know that I still wouldn't trust my elbows... they're devious little bastards.


Day 2
Day 2 was something to cry about.


That's right, cry it up.

I won't bore you with the details of the morning of Day 2, because most of you probably don't care about the British Government, the Houses of Parliament and that big clock named Ben. But there were some interesting moments that day... and one that will shake you to the very core of your foundations. The hotel had a Continental breakfast.


Continental breakfast. 


That means no bacon.


Yeah way.

I told you this day was something to cry about.

I mean come on, even if you do just want a quick breakfast, you have to eat bacon in a morning. It's a legal requirement.
Okay so maybe it isn't, but it should be. Aside from the fact I had a bacon-free holiday though, the rest of the day was pretty darn good. We went shopping! On Oxford Street. Which has shops on it. For shopping. 
And we went to the gaming arcade! Which was truly fascinating, and expensive, and totally worth the money! Now here's a picture of the Houses of Parliament, just to please you politics loving lot.

So that was kind of the day in a nutshell. Night time wasn't much more interesting. We went for a big group meal and I wore a napkin on my head for the majority of the meal...

It only fell off once. So I consider that a victory.

...and then we went back to the hotel in the hope of not catching the end of the BRITs. I actually walked slowly on purpose to avoid having to watch it. But, regardless of how hard I tried, I still managed to be in bed before the end of the programme. On the bright side, Blur put on a pretty good set, so I wasn't too disappointed. 


Day 3
I'll be honest, I'm only writing about Day 3 because I'm sat in front of my laptop bored out of my mind. Oh and I still have homework to do so this is a welcome distraction. Anyway! Day 3 was nothing special really, so I'll keep it short. Maybe.

We were all packed and ready to leave the hotel by 10am after another disgustingly offence, bacon-free breakfast. And off we went, waving a tearful goodbye to the staff stood in the car-park bidding us an equally tearful farewell. Many new friendships were made during the three days we stayed at the Holiday Inn Express, 58 Reagents Park Road, Golders Green, London, N3 3JN.

Okay, I think that should be enough to earn me the £1000 advertising bonus they promised me. Actually, maybe one more thing.

The Holiday Inn are! That's terrible grammar, I'm sorry.

So you've probably worked out that I lied about the relationships by now. Oh, you hadn't? Ah. My bad. Seriously though you should have worked that out, it was quite obviously sarcasm... obviously. The majority of Day 3 was spent travelling, but we did have one last visit before we departed the magnificent city of London! What was that visit I hear you ask? The Supreme Court  you hear me answer!
What? The Supreme Court is cool! You believe me right? No? Oh.

Look, I realise that it's not the most riveting of places to talk about, but it uses the word supreme. That makes it cool. That's the last I'll say about it though, because I can literally hear you all moaning at me to stop and move on with the story. So I will!

Actually, that's about it. We just travelled home from there, on our bus, which was old and broken; there wasn't even air conditioning! And as I mentioned in Day 1, the ridiculous temperature of the bus during the initial journey down to London ruined my chances with the ladies. Which didn't make me a happy bunny. So, aside from my failed attempts to attract the opposite sex, the trip was pretty darn good. None of us got pickpocketed, we didn't get kidnapped, and, most importantly, we survived.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to kick up a storm on my Twitter:
@EJMozza
24 February 2012
Posted by Elliot Morrow

Valentine's Day? I'm looking forward to something else...

So we're nearly one week removed from Valentine's Day; or as I like to call it, 'Singles Awareness Day'.
Did we all have fun? How many cards/roses/blowjobs did we get? Okay, so don't count the blowjobs, I don't want to offend the ladies. Actually, that might be why I don't have a girlfriend.




But to me, Valentine's Day is a day for females, not males. I mean what does the male species actually get out of it? We spend hundreds on a ring, or a necklace, or a new vibrating dildo, and what do we get in return? Absolutely nothing. A guy spends more money on Valentine's Day for his lady than he will on her birthday, FACT. I made that up.


Then there's the people who aren't in a relationship, and I'm pretty sure the majority of them are on Twitter. It was pandemonium last Tuesday, no word of a lie. The amount of tweets dedicated to complaining about not having someone to cuddle, or kiss, or give a blowjob to was astronomical.


For those of you who didn't know what that last word meant.

BUT NOT TO WORRY SINGLE MEN! I have to say men, if you're a single lady on Valentine's Day you've missed your chance, wait another year and stop complaining on Twitter, no one is going to re-tweet you. 
Right, so I'll start again with my grand build up now that I've cleared up any sexism issues. 

BUT NOT TO WORRY SINGLE MEN! STEAK AND BLOWJOB DAY IS HERE! Yes, you heard right, a STEAK and a BLOWJOB. In the SAME FREAKING DAY.

Yeah, I know.

You're probably wondering why I said single men above. I know I can hear you now:
"Steak and blowjob day is only for men in a relationship, surely? Could it be that even if I'm single I'll still get a perfectly cooked steak and a blowjob? IN THE SAME FREAKING DAY?"
Just hold up, don't get ahead of yourself. I said single men because you've now got an extra month to find a partner and receive the glorious gifts on said day. That's a WHOLE month; because Steak and Blowjob Day is exactly one month after Valentine's Day. Obviously.

If it is... she's a keeper.

So, us males have our day, you females have yours. And just to make it perfectly clear:
Valentine's Day - Females
Steak and Blowjob Day - Males

So stop reading and find yourself a lady! Or (if you're that way inclined) a man! Whichever gender you're into, make sure they can cook a steak to perfection.


Thanks for reading! Feel free to kick up a storm on my Twitter:
@EJMozza
19 February 2012
Posted by Elliot Morrow

Popular Post

Labels

- Copyright © Welcome to my humble ablog. -Metrominimalist- Powered by Blogger - Designed by Johanes Djogan -